either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
