You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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