And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
