If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
In America we eat man semen.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
