I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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