just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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