wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize