Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
