I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
