you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
