some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
