I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Too much gin, very little bucket
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
