I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
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This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
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You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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