I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
