There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
