he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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