Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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