Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
