btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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