I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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