You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
