You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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