can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
