I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
