mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
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I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
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Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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