Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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