I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
