a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
