We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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