R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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