my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
