i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
