so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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