my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just found puke in my bra..
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
