We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
