from now on my penis is your penis
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
