Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
