not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
