Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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