i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Pooping to opera.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
