what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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