So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
