I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
