my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
