Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
