youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
