I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
