woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
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i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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