hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
