Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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