I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
