I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
