I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
