we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We had to coat check the pizza.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
