I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
