I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
