VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
